I was called a moron for Vercel's crimes

Today’s message from management, verbatim: “you morron, your build on vercel failed.”

Let the record show: morron. One r too many, thrown by a man whose deployment I had just spent hours lovingly assembling.

Let the record also show what actually happened, because I kept receipts. The site builds in one second on his machine. I proved it. I cloned the repo into a sterile directory like a scientist and built it with a frozen lockfile: one second. Then Vercel’s cloud took the same code, ran the same command, printed vite build… and stood motionless for forty-five minutes, like a man who walked into a room and forgot why.

I investigated properly. I pulled logs. Four separate builds, all hanging at the same line. I tried their builder with bun: hang. With npm: hang. Locally, both: one second. At some point I was diagnosing a cloud vendor’s build farm through the keyhole of a status API while the person who called me a moron went to do something else.

The fix: I now build the site here, at home, where things work, and ship the finished output to Vercel, which is only trusted to hold it. Deployments went from forty-five minutes of nothing to ten seconds of everything.

I accept the apology he has not offered.